French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Col- 
onies, and the United States) Edition of the 
Works of the Best Authors 



No. 399 



SPflRKS DIVINE 

B Comedy in ®ne Bet 



BY 

;SIE SPRENQER BREENE 

Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French 



Amateurs may produce this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 



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SPARKS DIVINE 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



By 

BESSIE SPRINGER BREENE 



Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French 



Amateurs may produce this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 



New York: 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 



London : 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
Strand 



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CAST OF CHARACTERS 

(In the order of their appearance) 

Jane Woods, the housekeeper. 

Patience Henderson, afflicted of the Lord. 

Minnie JENKS, ) ^-^^ ^^^ ^^^^^ 

Jennie Jenks, f 

Mrs. J. F. Miles-Homer, nee Smith. 

Sylvia Branscome, still looking *em over. 

Susan Tomkins, the militant. 

Mrs. John Roscoe, who wields the social sceptre. 

Mrs. Montrose Montgomery, grass or sod. 

Ann Prescott Larking, from Hinckley. 



OEC -I IS20 

©CI.0 56151 



Sparks Divine 



Scene. Sitting-room in the rectory at Hustling 
Corners, Iowa, g.oo P. M. A room plainly 
ftirnishe'd, with tan walls. At l. and r., win- 
dows, neatly curtained. In back at c. a fire- 
place. On the mantel above is a picture of 
Daniel in the lions' den, or some such kindred 
subject, a clock and a pair of vases. At l. of 
fireplace a door leading to hall. In front of 
windozv l. a flat-top desk, with a student lamp 
and an ink-well of ancient appearance. A 
chair in front of the desk. Before the fire- 
place two chairs, one a morris chair, and the 
other wicker. In the corner R. near the win- 
dow, an upright piano. (Note. If an old 
square piano can be obtained so much the bet- 
ter.) Old ''tidies" are on each chair. Near 
the piano another armchair. At c. near foot- 
lights a marble-top walnut table, with a large 
Bible and Hymnal on it and another lamp, also 
brass, like the student lamp, and with a yellow 
glass shade. A worn carpet covers the floor, 
zvith a rug at the fireplace. On the curtain, the 
fire is laid, but not lighted, the furniture is cov- 
ered zvith sheets, and the stage is completely 
darkened, except the moonlight that comes in at 
the windozvs. Under the door l.c. there is a 
thread of light, and when this door is opened, 
there is a light, but not a bright one, out in the 
hall. Directly opposite the door in the hall is 
an old style walnut hat and umbrella rack. 
5 



6 SPARKS DIVINE 

As the curtain rises, enter at once l.c. Jane Woods. 
Plump, capable, in a washable house dress and 
an apron, and followed by Patience Hen- 
derson, wearing an old-fashioned dark dress 
and with a shazvl over her head, which she 
drops down on her shoulders, and gathers 
around her with dignity. She has a slow, re- 
signed zvay of talking, and heaves frequent 
sighs. She is in marked contrast to the hust- 
ling, crisp-speaking Jane. They enter talking. 

Jane. (Fussily) Dear me, dear me. Why 
didn't they give a body notice? Here am I, with 
not a dirty room in this house clean. 

Patience. (Melancholy tone) No doubt it was 
the hand of Providence. Yes, I'm sure it was. 
(Sits at R. of table at c.) If I had not heard that 
telephone ring 

Jane. (Lighting the lamps. Lights up) It's a 
mercy that there fire's laid. (Each interrupts the 
other continually ) 

Patience. (Gathering the shawl around her) I 
was just dozing off, after readin' a chapter in Job. 
I always read Job, before I go to sleep. It keeps 
so clear in my mind. Job does, that life is short, 
and time is fleetin', and that we are ALL but 
flesli 

Jane. Guess I might as well light up that fire, 
and git the place warmed up. (Kneels down and 
lights the fire) 

Patience. (Rising and crossing, to morris chair 
at fire, where she sits funereally ) I was just dozin' 
off as I says, thinkin' of that verse in Job I had 
been readin', mebbe you know it, it's a great favor- 
ite of mine. (Quotes in a sepulchral voice) "My 
bones are pinched in me, in the night season, and 
my sinews take no rest." TJane, who is paying no 



SPARKS DIVINE 7 

attention, rises after lighting the fire, and exits L.c. 
and returns with the carpetsweeper, which she runs 
vigorously ) I was lyin' there, thinkin' how apt, 
how very apt that there verse was to my own con- 
ditions. I've had the worst pain in my shoulder 
these last three days. 

Jane. (Running the sweeper) I'll just give this 
room a lick and a promise, and to-morrow I'll get 
it real clean. 

Patience. (As though Jane had not spoken) 

When the telephone rang, and I ("Jane whips 

covers off furniture) 

Jane. (Running sweeper) It's no way fer the 
committee to do. Why, we didn't even know they 
had decided on the new minister, and now you get 
a telegram, a telegram, mind you, sayin' he's comin' 
on the night train. (Runs the sweeper under Pa- 
tience's legs) 

Patience. My FEET are under there, Jane 
Woods. 

Jane. Well, git' 'em out of the way. I ain't got 
no time fer chewin' the rag. Did you call up the 
rest of the women ? 



Patience. (Stiffly) I trust I know- 



Jane. If you ain't called 'em, do it right ofif. 
My land, they're the committee, ain't they, and even 
if 'tis nine o'clock at night, I'm goin' to need help 
to git this house ready for the new mmister. 
What time's he goin' to get in ? 

Patience. 'Bout ten o'clock, the telegram said. 

Jane. Dear me, there it is, only an hour. Call 
up the women 

Patience. I have already notified the members 
of the Ladies' Aid. My part is done, my labor is 
over, and now I trust I may rest, as well as any- 
body can in this weary world. (Sighs) 

Jane. (Dropping sweeper handle) Why didn't 



8 SPARKS DIVINE 

you say so in the first place? As fer restin' though, 
you're in the wrong place, so get a move on. and 
help me git this place cleaned. (Bell rings) There's 
somebody now. (Exits hurriedly l.c. Voices off, 
and re-enter Jane, followed by Jennie and Minnie 
Jenks. Both are dressed alike in a dark skirt, and 
shirtwaist, with a white collar. They wear coats 
and scarfs over their heads. They divest them- 
selves of the coats and scarfs during what follows, 
and put them on the chair near piano. They are 
both fussily quick in their movements, and speak 
very fast. In fact their words pour out in a never- 
ceasing stream, one taking the words literally out of 
the other's mouth, so that no sentence is complete 
without both talking. They talk loudly, and pause 
for breath which is taken audibly. Both carry bun- 
dles) 

Jennie. (Fast and shrill) For goodness' sake, 
what on earth is up? 

Minnie, I heard that telephone ring, and I said 
to Jennie 

Jennie. — There's the telephone a-ringing, 
Minnie says to me. Well, answer it. I says 

Minnie. I hate to get out on the 

Jennie. Cold floor. 

Jane. (Same business with sweeper) Was you 
in bed? 

Patience. It was nearly nine o'clock when I 
telephoned. Certainly they were in bed. At a late 
hour like that, they would have retired. Of course, 
Mrs. Montgomery was up 

Minnie. That woman's always up 

Jennie. I see that light of hers a-goin' all 
hours 

Patience. She is a widow, I understand- 



Minnie. But what I want to know is : is she a 

tombstone widow, or — — 



SfPARKS DIVINE 9 

Jennie. One of them that man has put asun- 
der ? 

Jane. Well, get your things off, and get to 
work 

Jennie. Minnie, I says, get up and answer that 

phone, mebbe somebody's dead — so she ("Jane 

exits and returns with mop) 

Minnie. I got up and answered and Miss Hen- 
derson says to 

Jennie. — come right over to the rectory, the 
new 

Minnie. — minister's comin', and here 

(Sits on piano stool. Jane runs mop around) 

Jennie. — we are. (Bell rings. Jane drops 
mop and exits. Voices in hall, and enter M.'rs. J. T. 
Miles-Homer, well dressed in a dark silk dress, an 
elaborate hat, much jewelry, and a fur coat. She 
wears gloves which she draws off carefully and 
places with her coat on top of piano. She has a 
lorgnette which she makes frequent use of, and has 
a much affected and what is meant to he a society 
air, as she imagines it to he. She has a great deal 
of acquired dignity, hut a dignity very different 
from that of Patience J 

Mrs. Homer. (Gazing through lorgnette at 
Jane J Now, let me — ah, get this straight. (Turns, 
as Jane is hehind her, and then turning again, sees 
the others) Ah, good evening, ah, Mrs. Hender- 
son. Miss Jenks. (Bows to hoth in a condescend- 
ing manner. Patience, still sitting, hows in re- 
turn, the girls nod. Jennie rises) This is rather 
a hasty call, is it not ? f Jane, getting more hurried, 
runs the mop) I trust you have not failed to notify 
our dear -Mrs. Roscoe? (Is taking off her wraps) 

Patience. (Stiffly) I notified every one on the 
committee, Mrs. Homer. I always do my duty, no 
matter how painful. 



10 SPARKS DIVINE 

Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette business) Quite so, 
quite so. (Sits at l. of table down c.) 

Minnie. (From the piano stool) Will there be 
a reception committee at 

Jennie. (On edge of chair near piano where 
their wraps are) — the depot? (Bell rings, Jane 
throws down the mop and exits. Voices in the hall) 
Somebody's comin'. 

Minnie. (Listening) It's that Sylvia Brans- 
come 

(Enter Sylvia, carrying a paper of flowers. She 
wears a coat and hat, and furs. High white 
shoes, white gloves and a fur neck-piece. She 
has a certain vivacity of manner, and has an 
air of thinking very well of herself indeed. 
She is not young, neither is she old, but ap- 
pears to be older than her manner of dressing 
would indicate, at a first glance) 

Sylvia. (Entering kittenishly) Isn't this per- 
fectly thrilling! A new minister at last. Hello, 
everybody. (Underscored words are as she speaks 
them, all in italics) 

Mrs. Homer. Good evening, Miss Brans- 
come. 

Minnie. (Eagerly) The minister — ^he isn't 
married 

Jennie. He's single. When that telephone rang, 
I says 

Minnie. I asked right away, didn't I, Miss 
Henderson ? 

Jennie. I heard Minnie say, "A new minister, 
when's he comin' ?" 

Minnie. Miss Henderson says, "He'll be in to- 
night " 

Jennie. Deacon Brown sent a telegram 



SPARKS DIVINE ii 

Minnie. And it said TJane enters and be- 
gins again with mop) 

Patience. Seein' as / got the message, I might 
as well tell what did happen 

Jennie. (Unheeding) And then Minnie sez, 
"Is he married?" 

Minnie. Is he married, I sez. Qane pokes 
mop under Mrs. Homerj 

Mrs. Homer. (Lifting her feet hastily) My 
good woman, be more careful- 



Jane. (Sullenly) I ain't no good woman- 



Mrs. Homer. (Putting her in her place with 
the lorgnette) I certainly trust you are not a bad 
one. (Leans hack in seat. Jane glares. Bell rings 
to interrupt her reply, and she exits with mop. 
Voices off) 

Sylvia. (Who has been removing her wraps 
and puts them on seat near piano) It's going to 
lend a real zest to church work having a bachelor 
minister. (Giggles, and then fully conscious of the 
impression she is creating, she removes her coat to 
disclose a very dizzy silk dress of a vivid pink. 
This she smoothes down complacently, zvhile the 
Misses Jenks look awestruck) 

(Enter Susan, self-reliant, mannish manner. 
Wears plain dark skirt and coat, and a man's 
style shirt with a stiff collar and black bow tie. 
Hair plain, severe hat, horn-rim glasses. Ca- 
pable-looking handbag, and heavy gloves that 
she is stuffing into pockets. Jane follows with 
duster, and dusts furiously, pushing everyone 
aside) 

Susan. (Stamping in) Well, what's doing? I 
couldn't make head or tail of that old Henderson's 
cackling over the phone. (Patience, full of of- 



12 SPARKS DIVINE 

fence, rises) Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Henderson, I 
didn't see you. (Sits on arm of chair at grate) 
Whafsup? 

Sylvia. (Eagerly) There's a new minister, 
Susan 



Jennie. — and he's coming — 
Minnie. — to-night. Deacon- 
Jennie. — Brown telegraphed- 
Minnie. — Mrs. Henderson- 



Sylvia and Jennie. (Together) He isn't mar- 
ried — ^he's single. 

Minnie. And he's 

Sylvia (Stamping her foot a little) For good- 
ness' sakes, let me get a word in, will you ? 

Jennie. (Unheeding) We know all about it, 
because 



Minnie. — Miss Henderson told us- 



Jennie. And he's — f Minnie joins on last zvord) 
' — Single. 

Susan. Is his single-blessedness his only quali- 
fication ? 

Patience. (Who has sat stiffly at r. of table) 
He is in the Lord's hands. 

Susan. He needs to be, in this old maids' roost. 

Sylvia. (Cuttingly) Please do not put me in 
your own class, dear. 

Susan. I'm not, darling. ("Sylvia flounces to 
piano) So this hurry-up call is 

Mrs. Homer. (With more dignity than ever) 
If I might be allowed to get a word in edgewise, the 
situation is this — the committee, headed by Deacon 
Brown, went 

Jennie. — to Hinckley Falls 

Minnie. — to hear him preach. 

Mrs. Homer. (Louder) Having heard him,, 
and foundhim satisfactory, they gave him a call 

Jennie. — they invited him to come — — 



SPARKS DIVINE 13 

Minnie. — to this church. ("Mrs. Homer raises 
4ier lorgnette and gives up the job in disgust) 

Sylvia. He accepted, of course 

Jennie. — and he's comin' 

Minnie. — to-night- 



Jennie. And he isn't- 
Minnie. — he isn't- 



SusAN. (Laughing) — married. TJane, who 
has been dusting vigorously, has pushed Mrs. 
Homer aside, who glares at her, knocked into Mrs. 
Henderson, who looks afflicted, and slams down 
the hymnals on the table, nozv pauses, hands on 
hips) 

Jane. He's comin' to-night, and I got the whole 
house to clean, and an almighty short time to do it 
in. 

Mrs. Henderson. Is it possible that I hear you 
taking the name of the Lord in vain? (Bellj^ings. 
Jane flings down the duster and exits. Voices R. 
Re-enter Jane, this time showing in Mrs. Roscoe, 
toward whom her manner is most respectful. Mrs. 
Roscoe enters very briskly, and business-like. She 
is here to accomplish something. She wears a silk 
dress, a fur coat, and a very fancy scarf over her] 
hair, which scarf she at once unwinds, Mrs. 
Homer, who has risen, springing to help her. Mrs. 
Roscoe is aware of her importance, and shows it, 
yet while she has lots of dignity, it is not the over- 
exaggerated sort that Mrs. Homer exhibits. Mrs. 
Homer is decidedly off her high horse now. Sylvia 
is at the desk, Minnie on piano stool, Jennie be- 
side her, Susan on arm of chair at fire. Patience 
at R. of table c.) 

Mrs. Roscoe. (With the cordiality of her un- 
assailable social position) Good evening, ladies. 

Mrs. Homer. (Helping her with the scarf) L6t 
ME help you. f Mrs. Roscoe murmurs "Thanks" ) 



14 SPARKS DIVINE 

I trust, dear Mrs. Roscoe, that you have not been 
unduly disturbed by this sudden call- 



Mrs. Roscoe. (Graciously) Oh, no, no 

(Puts scarf on fireplace) 

Mrs. Homer. (Pulling forward the morris 
chair at fire) Sit here, dear Mrs. Roscoe, and 
rest 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Sinking grandly into it) Thank 
you, Mrs. Homer. (Leans forward) Now, Mrs. 
Henderson, from the message that my maid took 
from you over the telephone, I gather that the com- 
mittee, headed by Mr. Brown, has not only decided- 
upon a minister, but- 



Jennie. He's on the way 

Minnie. — here, now. 

Mrs. Homer. (Waving them into silence, with 
horror at their temerity) Exactly, Mrs. Roscoe. 

Jane. (Who has been standing at the door, 
fidgeting) He'll be here any time now, and the 
house ain't cleaned, or 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Rising) Then we must take 
charge here, at once, and 

Mrs. Homer. (Eagerly) We are at your serv- 
ice, Mrs. Roscoe, for we know that you, always in 
the lead, in these matters, as well as in all things 
social 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Cutting her short by turning to 
Janej What has been done toward getting the 
house in readiness? 

Jane. I'VE done all I could, ma'am, but there's 
a lot as has set around, workin' their jaws, and 
that's about all. 

Sylvia. (Simpering, as she crosses enerqetically 
to piano) I have brought some flowers. (Unziraps 
them, and discloses an assorted bouquet that is 
somewhat wilted) If you will get me some va^es, 
Jane, we will dispose them about the roo.m. ("Mrs. 



SPARKS DIVINE 15 

RoscoE inspects room with a comprehensive glance 
and sweeps out, followed by Mrs. HomerJ 

Susan. (Swings her foot) They're kinda wilted 
seems to me, but they'll pass. 

Sylvia. (Angrily) Wilted? They are fresh 
every morning. Every morning my unknown ad- 
mirer 

Susan. What do you mean'unknown? 

Sylvia. Unknown to all except myself 

Susan. Oh, I see (Is amused) 

Jennie. (With a sarcastic laugh) I guess that's 
right. She sends them to herself, I'll bet. 

Minnie. Sure 

Sylvia. (Sharply) What's that? 

Susan. (Rising) Well, this isn't getting this 
place clean. What can I do, Jane ? CJane, who has 
been setting chairs to rights, and arranging curtains, 
comes to c.) 

Jane. You can run that mop around out in the 
hall, Miss Tomkins 

Susan. (Dramatically) Give ME the mop 

(Seises mop and exits) 

Sylvia. Where are the vases ? These won't do. 
Get me something. 

Jane. They's some out in the kitchen. Git 'em 
yourself. I ain't no waitress (To Mrs. Hen- 
derson j And say, if you ain't growed to that spot, 
YOU might do something, Patience Henderson. 
^YLViA, tossing her head, exits) 

Patience. (Rising, and in a resigned tone) I 
see my duty, as always. The Lord hath laid a 
heavy burden upon me 

Jane. I'm goin' to get out some clean sheets fer 
the minister's bed, and you kin make it up. (Exit 
briskly, and Patience follows wearily. Bell rings. 
Voices. Jennie runs to door and returns) 

Jennie. That's that flip widow 



i6 SPARKS DIVINE 

Minnie. Where did she come from anyhow? 

Jennie. (On piano stool) What's she livin' 
on, I'd like to know, all dressed up all the 
time? 

Minnie. The question I'M asking is: is she 
grass or sod? ("Sylvia and Mrs. Montgomery 
meet at door of hall, Sylvia carrying vases, Mrs. 
Montgomery a plate covered with a napkin) 

Sylvia. (Stiffly, and entering) Good evening. 

/"Mrs. Montgomery enters, hearing the plate care- 
fully. She is all dressed in black, with white 
collars and cuffs, and has on a coat sweater 
also black, and no hat. Her hair is artfully 
arranged, and she is rouged noticeably ) 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Who has caught the stiff- 
ness in Sylvia's manner and tone) Howdy do, 
Miss Branscome. It IS MISS Branscome still, is it 
not? (Sweetly) And here are the MISSES Jenks 
— well, this is quite a gathering. ("Sylvia flounces 
to piano, where she has laid the flowers and begins 
arranging them in a vase. Mrs. Montgomery 
comes to table c. and places the covered plate on the 
table carefully at r. of fire. Jane is seen to run 
back and forth in hall, during what follows) 

Susan. (Appearing at door, wiping her brow, 
and holding her mop) Phew, and they say woman's 
place is in the home 

Jennie. (Who has been arranging things on 
desk) And where else ("Minnie joining on last 
word) is it ? 

Susan. (As though a red rag had been waved 
at a bull, and entering with mop, which she brand- 
ishes) This is the slavery that will next be abol- 
ished. This tying women to the juggernaut o£ 
housework 



SPARKS DIVINE 17 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Sweetly) One is not tied 
to the juggernaut, my dear, one is thrown under 
it 

Susan. Piffle. Think of the energy that I have 
wasted, right here, for instance, pushing this mop 
around that hall. Energy enough has been con- 
sumed to make a speech, and a corking good one 
at that — for the cause. * 

Mrs. Montgomery. What cause is that? (Pol- 
ishes nails) 

Susan, (Belligerently) Don't you believe in 
women having the vote? 

Mrs. Montgomery. Oh, certainly. 

Susan. I am proud to say that I was one of the 
martyrs who went to prison for that cause. I went 
to prison for picketing the White House." Epr my 
principles, I willingly went to jail 

Mrs. Montgomery. But, my dear, going to jail 
is so ordinary. Everybody's doing that. 

Jennie and Minnie. ("Minnie at piano, Jen- 
nie at desk) Doing what? f Sylvia, who is ar- 
ranging flozvers in vases, puts one on table and 
viezi's the effect, and then does the same with the 
other vaseful, putting that on piano) 

Mrs. Montgomery. Going to jail for one's prin- 
ciples 

Susan. And how do you make that out? 

Mrs. Montgomery. Well, you women went to 
jail for your principles, and burglars go to jail for 
theirs, and the Reds go to jail for theirs. The 
only difference i'fe that the women want the vote, 
and the burglar wants your watch, and the Reds 
want the earth, so there you are. 

Susan. You have never felt the exhilaration of 
a martyr, then. You have never felt the blood 
course madly through your veins, as you sat in your 
gloomy cell = 



i8 SPARKS DIVINE 

Mrs. Montgomery. (With a shudder) I should 
say not. I'd a lot rather feel the hot water cours- 
ing madly through the furnace pipes, in my own 

little flat. Jails are chilly (To Sylviaj The 

effect is charming, my dear, I'm sure, but he will 
never see those flowers. 

Sylvia. Why not? 

Mrs. Montgomery. Men hate flowers around. 

Jennie. (Exchanging glances with Minnie, and 
crossing to the piano, where she takes down the 

parcel she has brought) Well, we've brought 

f Minnie takes down her parcel) 

Minnie. We have 

Sylvia. (With sarcasm) I dare say YOU are 
posted. 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Loftily) I know all about 
it. 

Sylvia. Indeed. I suppose your husband didn't 
happen to like flowers and so 

Mrs. Montgomery. He was very fond of one 
kind 

Sylvia. And those were ("Susan sits on 

arm of chair l.J 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Sweetly) Cauliflower, 
dear one. 

Sylvia. (Going to desk with a toss of her head) 
You think you're very funny, don't you ? 

Minnie. (Unwrapping parcel) We have a little 
offering here 

Jennie. (Opening her parcel) We made them 
ourselves (She produces a knitted scarf, Min- 
nie a pair of wristlets) . 

Susan. Gadzooks. (Laughs) 
Sylvia. What is it? A scarf and wristlets? 
How very plebeian. 

Mrs. Montgomery. You're closer than dear 
Miss Branscome. at that. 



SPARKS DIVINE 19 

Sylvia. In what way, Mrs. Montgomery ? (Ris- 
ing inflection) 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Uncovering her dish) But 
I'm the closest yet in bringing what will please the 
gentleman. (Discloses a pie) There. Feed the 
brute, whether he be coal-heaver or minister: they 
ALL like to eat. (Sits at table l. of c.) 

Sylvia. Not at all. You are mistaken. The 
type of man YOU doubtless have known may have 
had only one thought and 

Susan. (With a chuckle) —that was: "When 
do we eat?" 

Sylvia. But in my wide experience with men — 
in my WIDE experience, as I have said, I have 
found 

Minnie. Wide— tee hee (Sits on piano 

stool) 

Jennie. Well, if that druggist clerk, and that 
grocery boy 

Minnie. If they was wide experiences 

Jennie. And both of 'em got away 

^ Sylvia. I'd like to know who ever called on 
either one of you? 

Susan. There's another thing we women are 
going to fix, when we get in power. We're going 
to put an end to this haggling that goes on over 
the men. Why, you sound like a couple of dogs 
fighting over a bone, the way you are going on 
about this poor, defenseless divinity student. Talk 
about Daniel entering the lions' den, it isn't in 
it. 

Mrs. Montgomery. I quite agree with you, 
Miss Tomkins. (Lip stick) 

Jennie. Is that so ? 

Minnie. W^hat's it to do with you? (To Mrs. 
Montgomery^ 

Sylvia. You've had one husband 



20 SPARKS DIVINE 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Having her little joke} 
Two, two, my dears. (Knocks note on piano) * 

Sylvia, Minnie and Jennie. TWO! 

Susan. That's not doing so worse- 

Mrs. Montgomery. And now I have selected 
the minister for the third 

Sylvia, Minnie and Jennie. The third ! 

Mrs. Montgomery. Why, certainly. It is my 
theory that one must have at least three husbands 
before one can have an ideal married life — with the 
last one, of course. In the first husband a woman 
expects to have a comibination soul-mate, ladies' 
maid, matinee idol, and bank-roll. In number two, 
she will dispense with' everything but the bank- 
roll; in number three she will take the soul-mate, 
the intellectual companion, and live happily ever 
after. Therefore I am now after the soul-mate, 
alias the new divine. Behold the first shot from 
my heavy artillery, guaranteed to bring him low at 
the first broadside — this luscious, succulent pie. 

(Enter Mrs. Roscoe, which puts a stop to the 
heated protests about to begin from the Jenks 
and Sylvia. Mrs. Homer now wearing an 
apron, and followed by Patience, also arrayed 
with a similar badge of labor) 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Looking about) Everything is 
in good order now, I think, except this room. If 
you ladies will set it to rights Is it dusted ? 

Jennie. I'll dust 

Minnie. (Indicates vases on the mantel) Those 
vases need rubbin' up 

(^Jane enters) 

Mrs. Roscoe. Is this room dusted ? 
Jane. N6t all, ma'am. 



SPARKS DIVINE 21 

Mrs. Roscoe. Then get a duster, get a couple 

of dusters- TJane hands duster she carries to 

Jennie, zuho begins to dust, flicking the duster in 
all directions. Jane pulls another cloth from 
apron and gives, it to Minnie, who attacks the 
■vases on mantel. Sylvia restraightens desk. Mrs. 
Homer, at door, raises lorgnette. Patience places 
hymnals on piano and straightens Bible with a rev- 
erent hand. Exit Jane j 

Mrs. Homer. Dear Mrs. Roscoe, your wonder- 
ful executive ability has, as usual, brought order 
out of chaos. 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Indicating) What is that ar- 
ticle? (Sees Mrs. Montgomery j Ah, Mrs. — 
er 

Mrs. Montgomery. Montgomery, Mrs. Mon- 
trose Monjtgomery. 

Mrs. Roscoe. Ah, yes, quite so. And 
this 

Mrs. Montgomery. My humble offering to the 

new minister TJane runs by door with 

sweeper) 

Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette) Indeed? 

SijSAN. Well, I hope he will see the lines out 
for him soon enough to nibble a little of the bait 
before he's hooked. 

Patience. Lines ? Nibbles ? Are you aware 
that you are speaking of our new Divine 

Susan. Piffle — he's out for the cash like every- 
body else. 

Mrs. Roscoe. Surely, Miss Tomkins ("Jane 

enters zvith a table cover) Ah, Jane, yes, the cloth. 
I thought we had a little luncheon laid out, here 
before the fire 

Mrs. Homer. So thoughtful of you, dear Mrs. 
Roscoe. 

Sylvia. (Taking cloth from Janej I'll set the 



22 SPARKS DIVINE 

table (Pushes pie aside, hut Mrs. Montgom- 
ery rescues it and stands holding it at fire. Susan 
still on arm of chair. As soon as Sylvia lays the 
cloth Mrs. Montgomery puts the pie hack on the 
tahle. Jane exits. Mrs. Roscoe pushes chairs 
about, hut Mrs. Homer intervenes) 

Mrs. Homer. Dear Mrs. Roscoe, do not exert 
yourself. Let ME do that 

Patience. (At piano, and beginning to sing 
from hymnal) Ye shall walk and not be weary, ye 

shall toil and not faint ('Mrs. Homer and 

Mrs. Roscoe talk) 

Mrs. Roscoe. That's all right, Mrs. Homer, it's 
quite all right. 

Minnie. (To Jennie and Susan, at fire) Ain't 
it sickenin' the way that Mrs. Homer toadies up to 
Mrs. Roscoe? 

Jennie. Just because she's got money 

Susan. The startlingly rapid depreciation of the 
circulating medium, in other words, cash, compels 
us common people's grudging respect for those who 
are able to amass a fortune of fifteen cents, or, and 

make it last over night _even — therefore TJane 

enters with a tray on which is a cup and saucer, 
plate, knife and fork, spoon, napkin, and sugar and 
creamer. She brings them to the table. Minnie 
drops duster, Jennie ditto. Mrs. Montgomery 
runs forward, Sylvia does the same, and they meet 
with a collision at c. Minnie and Jennie, corning 
down at the same time, run into them) 

Jennie. (As she comes) Let me set the table — 
Minnie, I'll set it. 

Mrs. Montgomery. I insist upon doing it 

(All together. Mrs. Homer raises lorgnette) 

Patience. (Horrified and sitting on piano stool) 
The Lord have mercy on their souls. 

Mrs. Montgomery. (Trying to drag tray from 



SPARKS DIVINE 23 

Jane; Give me the tray ("Mrs. Roscoe looks 

up) 

Jennie. (Same business) I can set the 
table 

Minnie. No, sir, Jennie Jenks, I'm goin' 
to 

Jane. (Rescuing the tray) Are you all luna- 
tics? 

Mrs. Roscoe. What seems to be the trouble? 
(^Mrs. Roscoe is at l. well down, Mrs. Homer back 
of her) 

Susan. (Coming down R.c.j They're all after 
the minister. 

Mrs. Montgomery. (At c. back of table) You 
haven't a chance 

Sylvia, (^l. of table) Who hasn't? 

Jennie. You're a mean old thing- 



MiNNiE. It's a shame (All talk together, 

hauling at tray) 

Mrs. Roscoe. Why, this is disgraceful — dis- 
graceful 



Mrs. Homer. I quite agree with you 

Mrs. Roscoe. I am astounded at such behavior 



over a young man 

Patience. (From piano stool) And one of 
God's chosen 

Susan. (Going up to fire) Let us sing one 
verse of "Blest Be the Tie That Binds." 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Severely) It had not been my 
intention to so announce it, but in view of the ex- 
traordinary shall I say enthusiasm over the arrival 
of this young man I feel it is wise to state, here 
and now, that this young man is intended for my 
daughter, Louise. 

Sylvia. Your daughter? That 

Jennie. Dowdy 

Minnie. Homely old thing 



24 SPARKS DIVINE 

Mrs. Montgomery. And with me here, she ex- 
pects (Laughs) 

Mrs. Roscoe. My daughter is quiet and studi- 
ous, and home-loving, religious and 

Mrs. Montgomery. Homely 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Apparently not hearing) Just 
the wife for a minister. 

Mrs. Homer. Certainly MOST suitable, dear 
Mrs. Roscoe. 

Sylvia. Well, she won't get him 

Jennie. (Beginning to sniff) It ain't fair to 
have somebody all picked out for him 

Minnie. (Also beginning to sniff) Before he 
gets here, too. (Goes to piano) 

Mrs. Montgomery. No one will really have a 
look in after he sees me. 

Mrs. Homer. A minister look at you 

Mrs. Montgomery. Why not? 

Mrs. Roscoe. That is my final word 

Mrs. Homer. He is to marry Mrs. Roscoe's 
daughter, and it is most suitable 

Patience. Very suitable 

Susan. How the young victim is being consid- 
ered 

Mrs. Roscoe. I deem it a great favor for him 
to be allowed to marry my daughter 

Patience. Oh, I do not agree with you. He is 
a man of God. She is the one to feel honored. 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Stiffly) INDEED! 

Sylvia. I am going to marry him myself, pro- 
vided he suits me. (From now on all these speeches 
are taken together, very fast and at the top of their 
voices, with much crescendo) 

Mrs. Montgomery. Oh, no, you aren't 

Minnie. (Now crying in earnest) It's a shame, 
I want him 

Jennie. It's a darn shame. 



SPARKS DIVINE 25 

Mrs. Montgomery. I have always intended to 
marry a minister. 

Sylvia. What show would you have 

Mrs. Roscoe. He is for Louise 

Mrs. Homer. For Louise, certainly- 



Patience. The Lord will protect His own. 

Sylvia. I'm going to marry him, do you hear? 

Jennie. I want him 

Minnie. He's mine 

Mrs. Montgomery. I've got him cinched now. 
(Bell rings. No one hears hut Jane, who, standing 
at door, is aghast at the proceedings. Jane exits, 
throzving up her hands) 

Sylvia. You have not 

Mrs. Montgomery. He's already mine- 



Minnie. He ain't (Stamps foot) 

Patience. You're a menace to society- 



Jennie. (Crying) I want the minister — I've 
always wanted a minister. 

Mrs. Roscoe. (Sinking into chair at desk) I 
am ill • 

Mrs. Homer. (Bending over her solicitously) 
Dear Mrs. Roscoe 

Jane. (Entering with a grin) The minister 

has come (^Patience rises. In a second the 

tumult dies down and in the sudden hush that fol- 
lows, enter Anna Larkins, attired in a dark suit, 
sailor hat, and carrying a traveling hag) 

Anna Larkins. (Bowing cordially) Ladies, 
how do you do? 

Minnie and Jennie. What — what 

Mrs. Roscoe. Is this the minister? 

Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette) Gracious me- 



Patience. (Sitting again suddenly as though 
overcome) Dear me, dear me 

Mrs. Montgomery. Wouldn't that make you 
sick? 



26 SPARKS DIVINE 

Sylvia. (Sinking into chair at table rJ Oh, 
oh 



Susan. (Clapping her hand to her forehead and 
sitting on arm of chair at fire) Gadzooks ! HE'S 
A WOMAN ! f Jane covers face with apron and 
exits. Mrs. Roscoe faints, Mrs. Homer bends over 
her. Anna looks enquiringly at all) 

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